Self realization hits harder than a kryptonite. By now I should know myself a lot better. At least know what I want, where I'm going... but during these couple of weeks I can't seem to get back up. I feel disappointed in myself. Caught in self destruction. Why am I always chasing after things and people who are not good for me... Why do I keep running towards a brick wall? I have no strength yet I don't bother to seek help, pray to God, lean on my family. Right now I really want to say, I can't do this by myself... but I'm scared if I call out will there be anyone left to help me? Have I closed myself off to the World all these years because I can't trust people, is there anyone left that trusts me? I feel that everyone has given up on me, but I can't give up on myself. It's not in my DNA to stop in the middle of a marathon. I have to make it to the finish line no matter how many people leave me. Besides, God is always there for me, right?
I used to day dream of where I see myself in 10 years? And at times I reminisce back 5 years. How much have I grown? How much have I change?
I remember my first year in college and all of my high school friends told me I changed. I wasn't that shy innocent girl they once knew. Well yes, I did change. I wasn't sheltered from anyone or anything, I was living on my own and open to meeting new people and experiencing new things. During that time, I had a really hard time realizing and accepting that I did change. I thought of change as a negative thing, I wanted my friends to see me as the same person; but we didn't go to the same school anymore, we hardly spoke to each other... Now that i'm graduating, I wonder if I've changed within these 4 years. There are so many things I'm proud of and so many mistakes I've made, and I just feel the need to clean myself and say sorry.
I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
I'm sorry I can't be the person you want me to be.
I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye.
I'm sorry I never reached out to you.
Change, whether good or bad, is a sign that we are living. We can never pause time and stay in that precious happy moment no matter how much we yearn to. It would take me a day and a half to count the times I wish I was still under your arms and felt so loved. I would stop eating chocolate chip cookies if I could ever go back. Life will go on as we choose to change ourselves. Sometimes we don't get to decide, our surroundings change. The best we can do is to never give up no matter how hard it seems to be.
Believe. Endure. Overcome.
To my readers,
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi) <3
