Measuring your STRENGTH

I've been thinking about why people give up; Why people make huge sacrifices and set themselves up for future hardships; Why does it seem like the benefits a person receive can never add up to their suffering? When is it enough? When do we stop wanting... Why doesn't anything change even if we seek to change?

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

I think that quote is the most outrageous thought one should ever loose sleep over. You don't accept something because you think you deserve it. If we think we deserve it, why do we even try?Unexpected things happen all the time. Genetics and environment was a given - not a choice! Who are you to ever say someone's life is the way it is because that's what they deserve? Who are you to ever downgrade yourself for mere convenience because you think you don't deserve better. When your immediate social circle starts forming opinions on who you are, it's habitual that you would believe what they say, you would then become what they say. That's because you are too sheltered and influenced by what others think of you. It's important for a person to develop their own character by making their own choices. Don't ever let anyone decide who you are, you tell them who you are.

I'm a strong believer in YOU. You are not hopeless. That's why I think people should always be optimistic. To set your mind on something and go after it until you get it - no excuses. This goal-oriented viewpoint has pushed me to do things I thought I never could, actually let me rephrase that - pushed me to do things others thought I never could. And let me tell you, it feels good to prove others wrong. It's like you've always wanted to slap their faces for every hurtful things they said to you, but since you're not a violent person you hold it in. At last, when you improve yourself, it's like you let go of a ton of weight that's been holding you down. There's a cheerful bounce to your walk, a confidence in your aura, and of course you'll get hate for that, but the astounding part about it all is that - you don't give a fuck what others think of you anymore.

I don't want to talk like I know everything, because I sure in hell do not, (don't be ridiculous). Actually, being goal-oriented is not always a positive thing. I've recently been feeling super shitty because I can't decide what my next goal is. I thought the point of goals was to serve as a stepping stone to one's ultimate goal, but what if you reached that ultimate goal and achieved everything you ever wanted, what's next? People think that satisfaction is what makes life worth while. I think that's just a fairytale we make up; it's the "dream" that we think that's unattainable now but if we work hard we'll get there someday and happiness and unicorns will be awaiting at the rainbow gate. It's strange for me to think about a future not made up of success stories... because I don't correlate happiness with success. I feel bits of happiness in the act of giving, helping, caring for others. Not something I have to work hard for, but something I genuinely want to do; it's not an exchange, but something I can dedicate my life to...what is it that I want?

To my readers <3
Stay strong!

My Reflection

I used to be a selfless person. A nice girl always trying to be helpful. An insecure girl that constantly thinks "I'm not good enough". A mellow-dramatic girl that plays peace-maker and always want to please people who would never do the same for me.

After a year of hating myself, I've learned to not give a crap about people's opinion on how I live my life. I've learned to love myself and to find happiness doing things I want to do and not having to accommodate to anyone's schedule or fix myself to fit someone's ridiculous standards. I've learned to appreciate my big soft heart. I've learned to focus on my passion to explore and experience new things. I've learned to stay openminded and go out of my comfort zone because..

I don't want to just survive, I want to LIVE! 

I've learned to take pride in my quirky and awkward behavior. & Yes, I literally MEOW-WOW when I see something beautiful. I bounce around when I'm excited. I do uncontrollable random things because I want to and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

.....But recently, I find myself unable to show others how I feel. Have I lost the ability to feel because I'm so in tune to fulfilling this "happy sappy bubbly" persona? I'm back to worrying -- what if people think I'm a reckless idiot that #YOLO whatever happens, happens #noregrets.
I just want to clear the air... just because I'm acting on my impulses, doesn't mean I have no self-respect. There are times I do terrible things and could have made wiser decisions, but my intentions are never to hurt anyone or to hurt myself. The truth is, I'm as confused as you are. I don't know why I do the things I do, except that right then and there - I knew I wanted to do it. Sometimes I wonder, am I pretending to be a strong happy independent woman?

I am not happy; I am unsatisfied. I always thought that by now, I would be doing something grand and awesome. What's worst than failing the expectations of others? It's failing your own expectations. There's this quote - "Rome wasn't built in a day". I know great things takes time. But I can't erase this irking PITA feeling - There's this lostness, this void, this emptiness; and no matter how many times I tell myself I'm a better person than I was yesterday: I'm more healthy, I look better, I'm getting paid more, I'm going out more, I'm doing things I've never done. At the end of the day, I still feel very undeniably incomplete.

I haven't been able to conquer the desire of being wanted. The desire of having someone who adores the hell out of me, someone I can share anything and everything with, someone who takes my worries away with just a smile.

I pray that God will uplift my spirit and give me strength to be the person that he created; not the person someone else wants me to be; not the person I think I should be; but just the person I am.

To my readers <3,
Fall 7 times, stand up 8.

Music is...

Music dissolves our differences and brings people together. 

When I listen to a song... 

The colorful melody reflects my mood; uplifts me when I'm down and calms me when i'm anxious. 
The rhythm affects my thoughts; takes me to a heavenly realm, pushes me to run faster, work harder, and dance like no one's watching me.
The lyrics touches my heart; makes me cry when i'm heart broken, checks me when I feel like I'll do something I'm going to regret. 
The crowd makes me feel alive, like I'm breathing in my last breathe, like I'm celebrating the fact that I'm not alone. 

Music is healthy for the mind, body, and soul. 

People listen to music because it creates an atmosphere. But that's not an excuse for druggies to overdose and commit suicide (intentionally but not intentionally). Like someone that doesn't know how to have fun unless drunk. Like a fitness trainer eating junk when it's cutting season. Someone that likes music shouldn't abuse it as a reason to do drugs. That's just self destruction, so don't blame music for your stupid behavior. 

I say this because I am an EDM fanatic. But sometimes I get embarrass publicly saying that I like EDM when first timers see it as a community that likes to pop molly and get high. This false image of the EDM community is created by fame whore DJs and celebrities who's only out to make their name big and their wallet fat. The whole bashing EDM for becoming mainstream makes no sense. Music is meant to be shared and enjoyed by all. The problem isn't because EDM is all over the radio, the problem is that the community isn't voicing out the principal behind what is the electronic dance culture. EDM to dedicated fans is not the same today as it was in earlier years and it's upsetting because EDM now does nothing to make a positive impact on people's lives, instead it derails from everything that EDM stands for. And to me, that's not what EDM is about at all. EDM is PLUR. (fucking google it yourself!)

[Back to the topic.] 

Music is... a representation of me. It explains who I am to others, how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, and what I'm passionate about. Music is my life. 


To my readers <3
share your current favorite track, it might make someone's day! :-)

Trying to Understand

In all confusing situations and circumstances where we just don't understand each other, we often ask why? Why did this happen? Why me? Why are we doing this? Why is that person acting like this?

In an effort to communicate to each other our deepest desire and true thoughts we scramble for the right words to convey our emotions and feelings and most often it becomes a messy fret of - I don't know. I don't know. I don't know...and a whole lot of grey hairs. You're left feeling defeated and undeniably lost. It is healthy to step out of that setting and reflect on your thoughts and feelings. Looking at it in different perspectives will allow your mind to narrow down what is your truest intentions. Of course other people deal with hard times in other ways, but how does your heart heal if you don't take the time to care for yourself. People often rebel and block off others who are trying to help. Stop being a whiny bitch and know that those people care for you. I used to get very grumpy and frustrated when my parents nag at me because I don't like it when people tell me what to do and I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way. Positivity isn't meant to scold you and make you feel less of a person, it's meant to uplift you and remind you that no human can judge your worth and you are responsible for your own happiness.

Moving along, this post was suppose to explore behavior. Everyone may heard of the water story involving the pessimist, the optimist, the realist, and the opportunist.

Here's a quick modified definition for those that have no idea what I'm referring to:

The pessimist expects the worst, is clouded with negative assumptions, is depressed most of the time, has a lot of doubt, and is skeptical in new and unfamiliar circumstances.
The optimist expects a favorable outcome for everyone, is positive and hopeful.
The realist observes and take things for what they really are and uses scientific reasoning.
The opportunist is quick to take advantage of any opportunity for personal gains, is adaptable, and is easy to be corrupted by personal greed.

It's actually really silly to define a person in one of these 4 categories because honestly human behavior is dependent on several factors: genetics, situation, environment, consciousness, society, religion, education, politics and even stereotypes. All of these many factors intertwine and relates to our own identity. We learn through education how to reason, how to plan and foresee where we want to be. We learn through religion that we are all imperfect but should seek divinity and holiness. We learn through politics that there is a whole world out there with billions of people agonizing over common ground. We learn through history that the cycle of oppression and hatred leads to war. We learn in our communities how diverse we are and how it is so easy to try to make sense of things by grouping ourselves with "the same kind of people", when internally we indefinitely are only human. Since we all are learning so much about ourselves, we use it in businesses through marketing and negotiating and thus targeting our customers, expanding our businesses, making partners and allies, contributing to necessary products and services that we ultimately think we all need to live. Also, don't forget the scamming, murdering, and repeating that same cycle of oppression and hatred.

Why is a powerful question that has unlimited answers. It is where we choose to stand in the seesaw of good and evil that determines our answers and what we do with that answer.

As a young adult in her 20's, I think about this not trying to make sense of it all, but in hopes of realizing my own ambitions. I was so sure that the point of everything was to obtain a career suited for one's passion and interest. But that's just me trying to simplify what life is. I unfortunately have too many interest in all sorts of things and because I like so many things I learn to do them extremely well, so I'm definitely screwed if I can't prioritize my likings, but that'll just take forever... Scumbag brain, you've done it again!

To my readers <3
Sorry if this post was mentally draining. I am brain pooped after writing it in one go and I don't feel like editing, so please excuse the grammar errors and lack of pictures. (T_T)

Beauty is...

Beauty is the sound of the wind bristling through the tree leaves
Beauty is the smell of camomile tea on a cold gloomy day
Beauty is the taste of delicacy and intricate flavors
Beauty is the sight of someone who owns their uniqueness
Beauty is the celebration of love that exudes a contagious sense of happiness
Beauty is in you  

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*[A personal update unrelated to "beauty"]*

Recently, my mood has been sluggish. My current job is depressing and I am often frustrated with myself not knowing what career I am destined for. My nonchalant mood has affected my workout stamina and I get tired faster and my body feels tense. It has come to the point that I even question my friendships with people. Friendships are not something I like to force because it is strange and hypocritical to call someone a friend when they hurt and disappoint you in ways they don't even know.

All of these silly bullshit I have to deal with made me realize what is important to me.
1. I am not an office cat, I do not like to sit around all day and pretend to be an important person and look busy when I am basically using my time just meme-ing on the internet.
2. I have strong endurance and I do not and will not limit myself to the same routine when I know progress means improving.
3. I have come to terms that some people are not worth getting myself all worked up over. I will never suck up to people when we are simply not "friendship material" to begin with.

*[End of randomness]*
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Beauty is having the heart to accept people for who they are, despite their: background / past / secrets / weaknesses.

Beauty is looking surpass all the superficial crap that society tells you to look like and instead freely expressing who you are.

Beauty is digging deeper and knowing that the person you're looking at has a heart that's beating too.

To my readers <3
You are beautiful no matter what they say, words can't bring you down.

Set Apart

Maybe once or twice I've heard that the "real world" is a constant battle of what is yours and what is not. I never took it too seriously thinking why can't we all just live a simple and happy life. Seeing the world in my early 20s is a complete 180 from the fantasies I've dreamt of in my teens. Adulthood has given me a different perspective in fairness and equality and all the terms one can use to describe a perfect democracy. Why does the most meaning quality we value so unrealistic to what the world is now? Commonality becomes a false principle since our value spectrum differs because no one person measures their priorities the same way as another to the same extent.

My parents raised me to experience life on my own. However, they were very particular about etiquette and character. My parents never really worried about my decisions because they know how hard I can be on myself. I was always given the freedom to do what I want within moral boundaries and take responsibility over any consequences my actions may have caused. Not that I was naughty kid. I was an obedient little girl with a mature attitude in life. Growing up I've ingested all that I could to get a good education and to be the top student in my class. I believed that education could elevate my life. In school, kids learn that everyone has a voice, everyone can make difference. Then I wake up to the "real world" and it startles me what little truth I know about one's place in the world. Recently, I've been hounded on because my work ethics are different, because it is unacceptable to have an opinion in a conservative business environment. Excuse me, I meant to say it's unheard of for a young girl in her early 20s to have ambitious goals because it threatens the position of higher ups who've stupidly work their asses off with their mouth shut for many years. We say to ourselves that we've overcome discrimination/gender roles/slavery/racism, but look around and see how others are being treated, how YOU are being treated by others, and how YOU treat others.

One doesn't see their own greatness when they go through life being ridiculed for being who they are. Does it hurt others that I say what I feel, that I do what I think is right? If it doesn't, then why do I need to feel that I am wrong?

My Christian faith has bestow in me a sense of humility and forgiveness. People are weak and the world is deluded with sin, but we can't bash someone for their mistakes because who are we to judge others when they are lost and unwilling to change. Maybe I am holding onto my dignity when I say - sincerity needs no defense. You do not need to defend yourself for being you. And when you face hostility and hate, you do not need to lower yourself and hate back. I always take criticism with a poker face. Criticism is good when it helps you grow and become a better person. Criticism is useless when it destroys your self confidence and stomps on your will to try again.

There will be people who look down on you for no reason. There will be people who can't wait to see you fail. There will be people who will rejoice in your sadness. And you know what? Karma is a bitch. You are strong and you know where you are going in life, don't waste your time defending yourself to people who can't see you for you - a special person.

To my readers <3
Huggles all around, you can do it, don't give up!

Everything is Gonna be Okay

An independent person's greatest asset is his/her positivity. Positivity gives us confidence that no matter how difficult a situation is, we can maintain our composure and take responsibility for our actions. Pain, suffering, worries, and fears can cloud our judgment but with positivity we have faith that after the storm comes a rainbow and the sun will continue to give us life.

I've had someone tell me I'm young; I'm naive; I'm too emotional. You can call me whatever you want, but I'll always be true to who I am and what I believe in.

I believe it's not stupid to have hope that people can overcome differences and be cordial with one another. 

I believe it's possible to fall in love at first sight. 

I believe that our hearts tell us our true feelings. 

Even if we say we are strong and independent, when we connect with a special person we become vulnerable. We find comfort in the fact that we're not alone, that maybe we can share a bit of our positivity and learn from each other.

Whenever I start to feel lost and when I feel as if my life has taken a down turn, the thing that gives me the most comfort is someone telling me - Helen, everything is gonna be okay. Then I'm able to tell myself, "I can get through this. This is only a part of my life, not all of it."


To my readers <3
Darlings don't give up on your happiness, everything is gonna be okay.

Undeserving

This post is dedicated to all the Paul Van Dyk fans. #trancefamily

Someone once told me I have a soft heart and that makes that person become a monster. It took me months to figure out what this meant, but when I first heard PVD's song, I Don't Deserve You, I realized that his song speaks about the kinda person that I am:

"Your arms are always open wide and you are quick to forgive. When I make a mistake, you love me in a blink of an eye..."

I'm a very stubborn and passionate person that cares way too much. I tend to overexert myself and go out of my way just to make people happy. And when that person asked me: why do you always come back? my heart bled -- you're the only one; I can do anything for you. And even after all the crap we've been through, my feelings never changed.

I've come to realize that I'm the way I am because I feel underserving of love. It's my obsession of achievement and greed for status that makes me feel that I'm not good enough. I went through 3-4 years with a cloud of self hatred hovering over me. And now it just hits me hard that I need to love myself to love others; I need to feel content about my own life to be able to share it with another person.

Just recently, I had this contagious sense of happiness. This certain person makes me want to smile every second and even in our silence, I close my eyes and it feels like a dream I never want to wake up from. Though we've barely met and we've only hung out about 4 times, this certain person makes me want to break out of my shell and let my guard down because that sense of happiness feels so real. Because of that, I almost forgot that I'm undeserving. There's a thousand miles of obstacles between us LITERALLY and what's a futureless relationship worth? Maybe I should have learned my lesson in where I stand... but it inflames me that an ending has already been decided when we've barely taken a foot into unforbidden grounds. I've had these imaginary conversations with this certain person, and no matter how hard I try to reason things, I can't ignore my stubbornness to give it a try, to not surrender in a light of battle, to take this to the end!!!! But not knowing how this certain person feels makes my strong sense of justice tremble. I can't carry on if we're not on the same wavelength. My words are not convincing because it's all based on my stubbornness, but please be strong with me and trust me when I say -- 
everything is going to be ok.

To my readers <3,
PEACE xLOVExUNITYxRESPECT