After a year of hating myself, I've learned to not give a crap about people's opinion on how I live my life. I've learned to love myself and to find happiness doing things I want to do and not having to accommodate to anyone's schedule or fix myself to fit someone's ridiculous standards. I've learned to appreciate my big soft heart. I've learned to focus on my passion to explore and experience new things. I've learned to stay openminded and go out of my comfort zone because..
I don't want to just survive, I want to LIVE!I've learned to take pride in my quirky and awkward behavior. & Yes, I literally MEOW-WOW when I see something beautiful. I bounce around when I'm excited. I do uncontrollable random things because I want to and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
.....But recently, I find myself unable to show others how I feel. Have I lost the ability to feel because I'm so in tune to fulfilling this "happy sappy bubbly" persona? I'm back to worrying -- what if people think I'm a reckless idiot that #YOLO whatever happens, happens #noregrets.
I just want to clear the air... just because I'm acting on my impulses, doesn't mean I have no self-respect. There are times I do terrible things and could have made wiser decisions, but my intentions are never to hurt anyone or to hurt myself. The truth is, I'm as confused as you are. I don't know why I do the things I do, except that right then and there - I knew I wanted to do it. Sometimes I wonder, am I pretending to be a strong happy independent woman?
I am not happy; I am unsatisfied. I always thought that by now, I would be doing something grand and awesome. What's worst than failing the expectations of others? It's failing your own expectations. There's this quote - "Rome wasn't built in a day". I know great things takes time. But I can't erase this irking PITA feeling - There's this lostness, this void, this emptiness; and no matter how many times I tell myself I'm a better person than I was yesterday: I'm more healthy, I look better, I'm getting paid more, I'm going out more, I'm doing things I've never done. At the end of the day, I still feel very undeniably incomplete.
I haven't been able to conquer the desire of being wanted. The desire of having someone who adores the hell out of me, someone I can share anything and everything with, someone who takes my worries away with just a smile.
I pray that God will uplift my spirit and give me strength to be the person that he created; not the person someone else wants me to be; not the person I think I should be; but just the person I am.
To my readers <3,
Fall 7 times, stand up 8.
