The Simple Things

"Find happiness in the simple things"

It sounds easy right? But to a dreamer, it's never enough. The dreamer says, "don't ever settle, there must be something greater".

These last few weeks, I attempted to find happiness in the simple things by finding the easy way out. All I sought was an escape from this bitter feeling of everyday life. When a single day can be so dry and suffocating; when living doesn't feel like living, it feels like dying. I decided what I needed was immediate satisfaction, a fast change, a quick 'pick me up', a load of distraction! I wanted to go out and be around people almost everyday and when I'm not around people I wanted to be with nature because i couldn't stand facing a reality I wasn't happy with. I wanted so much to forget, to not think, to not feel, to live like a zombie and be content.

People I hanged out with would talk about relationships, secret crushes, girl/boy drama and I'm over here like a grey sheep trying to be supportive, but in my head I'm screaming - OMG! Who gives a shit!! Happiness comes from within, not through someone else.

Then, I stopped. Sometimes when you're at your lowest you just hope that an inspirational person can cure your heart, but it doesn't work that way, all the time. You, bring out inspiration. There's a tiny light in you, no matter how dim it is, it will never die out even in the roughest of storms. Instead of desperately reaching out a hand for someone to save you, please stand tall and take a leap of faith - you got this, you can and you will get through this.

Returning to the original quote, "find happiness in the simple things". The simple things is not the same as what everyone else does on a daily basis. The simple things are not routine things that barely gets you through the day. The simple things are things you've left in your closet, under your bed, in the bookshelf. They are things you put aside to go to work, to take care of your family, to tidy up the house. They are things that "used to" bring you so much joy. Do you think it's time you revisit your hidden treasures? Sometimes it takes going backwards to find your true passion. Sometimes you need to stop and be thankful for where you're at. And sometimes you need to move forward because life has so much to offer and the future, though scary, though unclear and hazy it is - the future is where you're meant to be.

There's no one stopping you from being the person you want to be. Don't give your dreams a deadline. It's okay to not have goals, to not know what your dreams are. Go on, live on to find out, and believe that you'll make it, because you are worth it. Your life is worth it. And there's no other ending than the happy ending, you create.

Today, I feel so good to be writing here again.

To my readers <3,
How I've miss you so! Take care, my darlings~

It Feels Right...

In school, kids learn that there is an answer to every question and a solution to every problem. We learn by instructions on how one should process information. Like a multiple choice question we are given a selection of possibilities that contain one correct answer. We are educated to apply what we have learned in books to a real life situation. Even without experience, we are encourage to make an educated guess on how to handle the situation based on probability, deductive reasoning, or trial and error because we are guaranteed to eventually come up with the correct answer.

When we become an adult, we are expected to know all the answers because it's our job. When an issue occurs, we should be prepared to think outside of the box, be creative and efficient by minimizing our time spent examining the primary issue at hand. Instead we dress it up with alternative products/services to meet our client's ultimate goal. And when we satisfy a customer this way, why bother to change our bad procedure that caused the problem, because now we can promote other specialties we supposedly offer. But in all seriousness, can we take a step back, sincerely apologize, and admit we made a mistake? Instead of depending on an instructor with an answer sheet, we need to find a way to make things work by being adaptable, resourceful, and careful in our decision making. This is leadership - to take command and ownership of your work.

It's the same thing dealing with relationships in this era. There can be several excuses why you didn't do what you're suppose to do. And instead of simply admitting you didn't want to do it, that's why you didn't do it, you forego the blame by saying things like - "I forgot",  "Something came up", "I don't have time". And the response would be - "Okay, that's fine. Don't worry about it." That's why I find it hard to depict a person's sincerity. That's why it's hard to trust. And that's why it never lasts.

Like building something from scratch, every tiny error affects the strength of the foundation. Even if the appearance may look detailed and luxurious, it can easily fall apart if it's made by weak or improper materials. To build something long lasting, we cannot simply gloss over the scratches. We have to sand it down and smoothen the edges. Like in relationships, we should take into consideration the other person's feelings, intentions, and happiness. Most of the time, we are stuck worrying; worrying if we are intruding the other person's space; if we are becoming bothersome; if we are being too needy. Yet we don't realize that negativity comes from our own insecurities. Like how things are not awkward unless we make them awkward. This underlying fear of not being liked back stands in the way of you being happy.

In the past, I thought that if a guy likes me, he would want to hold my hand and take me on cute dates. It only hit me now, that is what he does to make ME like HIM. And if HE really likes ME, he would want to get to know what makes me, me. He would fall in love with my crazy thoughts and random expressions. And I wouldn't have to fight for his time or attention. I wouldn't feel insecure if he lost interest because he would tell me how he feels. I wouldn't even think to measure who likes who more, because we would be on the same page. And that's how I knew this could be something special. When we both are so intrigue with each other's weirdness that every day we learn to love a new part of ourselves we didn't even know exists.

So I say, if you like someone, express it wholeheartedly without hesitation. And if you don't like someone, don't pretend to! You only have one face, be proud of it.

To my readers <3,
Let's be real.

The Drive (Draftv1)

Open your eyes with thanksgiving in your heart.

I am thankful that I woke up.
I am thankful that I have good friends.
I am thankful that I have a family.
I am thankful I have a place called home.
I am thankful I am alive.
I am thankful for another chance. 

Smile that your journey continues on despite yesterday's mistakes, yesterday's trouble, yesterday's sadness... Smile that you have T-O-D-A-Y to start anew. 

It is incredible how much your life can change within a few years, a few months, a few days, and even within seconds. The things you say and the things you do might not have been what you planned for. Some times unexpected events can complicate your life, but some times these unexpected events and the complications they bring allows you to grow by giving you strength to move on and opening your mind to see the bigger picture that maybe life goes on, and hey, maybe you will be happier this way. You breathe out a sigh of relief when you conquer the pain you thought you can never defeat. You let out a cry because you did not believe that you could but you did it. 

"I want to do everything a human can possibly do. Even if I'm not good at it, I want to try it all, and then I will know." (Anonymous)

Some people are confident with their future that they leave no room to experience other parts of life and some people are detrimentally confused that they are desperate to find a sole purpose to justify living. Wherever you fall in the spectrum, I have a serious question to ask - What the hell do people know about life to judge if a person is living the right way or the wrong way? Why do you think only rich people can be happy? Why do you think that a blind man must have a hard life? You cannot live someone else's life, you can only live yours, and what you think about your life does not apply to what other people think about their life. I think it's pretty fucked up when people try to understand each other by saying, "I know how it feels like"... no you really don't. 

"Understanding each other" is not what humanity craves for anymore; I think in this generation, we crave to be accepted for who we are. 

The journey to discovering you - to be a complete you, I thought would be a really sad and lonely road. I have met many people and not even a handful I call friends. But the few friends that I have, I truly adore because they made me understood that it doesn't have to be a solo adventure all the time. Having good company assures me that I am living a fulfilling life. Some times I hold back a little because it is intensely tempting to get absorbed in a social circle especially when the circle contains a variety of pretty and interesting people with good vibes everywhere, ALL-THE-TIME. I start to loose track of what day it is, what time of the day it is, how it feels like to do nothing, and it kinda scares me because I don't want to loose my sense of self. It is that sense of self that drives me to keep pushing the envelope when it has already been sealed. It is the energy inside of me that is so eager to explode bubbles all around until I can catch it all. 

I struggle to figure out if fate is a straight line that I sometimes walk backwards on or if the universe is just a bunch of dots in the sky and fate is the picture we make when we connect the dots...

[to be continued...] 

Light My Way

Hope, you see is one of the most beautiful human ideals that is so powerful some may mistaken it as fantasy and others believe it to be a miracle. A gift from God.

False hope is betting your life on destiny or fate and blaming a higher being for your crappy situation. It's easy to play the victim card and blame others for your misery. These people think that hope is some sort of magical spell and that by saying the magic word everything they hope for will happen without having to put an ounce of effort to make it happen. This false hope feeds on a system of power and oppression. We allow the bad things to happen because we expect some external force to come to our aide and fix everything. We appear weak and vulnerable because we have already given up on ourselves.

Most people rely on hope for things they say are out of their control. Hoping someone reciprocates your feelings, hoping someone recovers from a fatal injury, hoping civil wars and unrest will subside, hoping everything will be okay. It's not like these things can happen overnight, but it's also not impossible that one day it can. and that's why we hope. We hope because there is a 1% probability. We hope because we don't want to regret that we turned our backs and ran the other way when times were hard, we don't want to regret that we didn't even try. In the darkest moments of our lives, we cry out in desperation for the strength to continue to fight, for a reason to persevere, endure, and overcome our sufferings.

Real hope is doing everything and anything to make it happen while trusting that your intentions are good. It is showing how much you really care about someone without any expectations. It is fighting for a cause you dedicate your life to no matter how many people tell you that you're wasting your time. It is standing up to what you believe in even if it makes you a crazy person. These people are strong and courageous because they are selfless and fueled with loyalty. Real hope is a genuine desire that motivates you to never give up.

And when you try your hardest and fall flat on your face, depression and anxiety hoovers over you and you're overwhelmed with self hatred and pessimism. We try our hardest to shelter ourselves by ignoring the part of us that is hurting. but with hope we are able to bare our pain with no shame. With hope even if we failed, we still believe that it can get better. Hope is a realistic sense of optimism - do not only depend on good karma or luck to achieve your goals, but also believe that you are doing the best you can.

Humans feel many things all at once. Some days we are in love, other days we are filled with sadness. To feel so deeply. To loose yourself in someone. Is exhausting. The feelings of brokenness, despair, humiliation can turn your world upside down and some days it's gonna be so hard for you to find the light but don't you dare shut down, you better believe you are loved by family & friends. God loves you so much! so please have hope that better days are to come.

To my readers <3,
sending you a piece of my heart

XOXO

it's late in the evening and i'm sitting on my bed thinking, where can he be? is he upset with me? A billion of negative and dangerous thoughts bewilders me. i shake my head like a lunatic. stop. he's different from the other guys, he would tell me.

time seems to pass by like lightning when i'm with him and saying goodbye is almost unbearable and when he's away i can't wait to see him again.

it's funny how when i was single i thought i would be a pretty good catch. any guy should feel lucky to have me. only a perfect guy would make me happy.

then i met him and when i look at myself in the mirror i see a million of flaws, i feel disgusting, ugly, mean and i just want to hide in a shell but then he holds my face with a firm but gentle clasp, looks deeply into my eyes and i can't look away from him,  he says, you're beautiful, you don't need any of that. I start to believe that i can change, i want to change. I can be kinder to him, sweeter to him, prettier for him, good for him...

it would be nice if i could like myself the way i am naturally like how he likes me. but isn't it normal for a girl to put effort to being attractive for her man. then sometimes i feel depressed because he's so relax and maybe i just want him to be on his toes so he'll stay with me longer. maybe i just want to know that he will go out of his way to make me feel loved and special for no reason, without me asking, because he wants to.

though it's confusing and difficult, i think i'm falling for him and it makes me want to scream because i'm so happy and at the same time so terrified to know his heart.

i'm not good at hiding my feelings. i'm not good at relationships. but i can't stop thinking about all the amazing things we can do together and how i would give anything just to talk to him right now.

i really miss him... very very much.

A Connection

I used to think that getting to know someone is more of a fulfilling experience when both parties are complete strangers. Then we can spend hours, days, months, and years learning about each other. But it can only be that way if we have chemistry, that undeniably "spark", that energizing "click" when we can't get enough of each other.

And then there are people who you immediately feel something for from the moment your eyes meet. I know it sounds like a Hollywood love story, but it really does happen. And when you are with this boy/girl everything feels right, you're always smiling and you love every single story he tells you and even the way he phrases his words you find adorable. Despite this strong attraction, everything around you tells you - it's not meant to be, you simply can't be together. Sadly this love story has a tragic ending and is the hardest to overcome, because we think we create our own destinies, we think that love is greater than all things, we think that someday we'll meet again and start from where we left off.  

With someone you known forever, you can't really imagine a life without this person. Friendship means the world to me, so crossing that line would put everything at risk, but when I'm 40 years old and if we're still single, should we just get hitched and spend our lives together? Will we be able to forgive each other for not being together sooner? Can we forgive each other for the years of being with the wrong people? I don't think the past defines who a person is, but it's not as simple to overlook the past when you want to be the only person in his heart. 

If love was a storybook we'd meet on the very first page <3

And every page after the first would only get more interesting and difficult to stop reading, because we would be too excited about what the future has in store for us. 

Sometimes I fear that maybe I'm too much of an idealist, that these stories will never come to life, that maybe two people weren't meant to fit like a puzzle piece, and maybe compromising is the only solution to our misery. 

I'm a lover of life, I feel at peace when I'm exploring, I feel the most adrenaline when I take a leap of faith, I feel the most loved when someone genuinely enjoys my company - not because I want to feel needed, but because he can't wait to take me on an adventure. 

To my readers <3,

My friend gave me the perfect advice - Just ask yourself two things, Is he worth it and will this change be good for you?

A Bigger World

The first time I ever watched the popular American sitcom, How I Met Your Mother, was January of this year. I know... where the hell have I been? It's something called having a life, ya lazy couch potatoes have only seen on a screen. I'm kidding! I got hooked on the show after the first episode... oh noooo. I am a potato~~~ :<

The purpose of this blog post isn't to tell you how much of a potato I've become, but instead I will go on to ramble about how relatable the characters are to my life. I went to high school at College Preparatory Architecture Academy and during my junior year, I really thought I would be an architect. Not that I'm as enthusiastic about Architecture as Ted Mosby is, but his character reminded me of who I used to be. I used to be a day dreamer, a hopeless romantic, a believer. And no matter how alone I felt sometimes, I always held my head high because I believed I was destined for something greater. 

A few weeks ago, I had this random talk about the show with a random person I will not name. He asked me - "What are your dreams?" I was dumbfounded for a few seconds or longer. Who in the World would ever ask another person that question out loud? Isn't that a rhetorical question you ask yourself in the shower, when you're having trouble sleeping, or when you're bored with everyday life. So after a hilarious LOL moment in my head, I said to him - "I don't know. I'm living to find out." And he went on to ask me other deep head scratching questions like - "Didn't you have a dream when you were a kid?" I said - "Of course! Doesn't every kid have a dream? Some to be a police officer, a singer, an actor, a lawyer, a doctor? What did you want to be?" He said - "I want to be Ironman". And so in my head, I'm thinking this guy is totally screwing with me and so I awkwardly forced a laugh. What came out of my mouth next is something I don't think I myself even believe wholeheartedly, but I said - "There are people that dream of a fairytale. They blindly chase after the impossible thinking that's the only way that they'll be happy but they forget that you can be happy right now and do what you want today. Dreams. I don't believe in that kinda stuff anymore. You're not gonna get there if you're not doing anything today. I'm tired of people just talking about it." It was silent for a while and I looked at him and thought he must resent me, he is probably cursing me in his head right now - [that righteous bitch who thinks she's some hot shot that's too good to have crazy dreams.] Right then, I realized I've changed. I'm no longer Ted Mosby, I'm Robin Scherbatsky - a cocky and independent adventurist, who would do anything for the acknowledgement and love from her parents [dad], who's greatest fear is failure, who wants to make a name for herself, who tries to appear professional in a job she's overqualified for, who's not ready to think about a real future - family, marriage, kids. 

Is having dreams stupid? With all my heart, I don't think it's stupid. I think it's what makes you special.

The outer me is a realist and the inner me is a crazy optimist like a turtle consistently moving forward, I keep a barrier around me to shield me from failures and disappointments but inside I really want to run so badly. 

In the words of Marshall Eriksen - "When did we stop believing?" Every kid has a dream, but like every kid, every adult needs a dream too. I've had epiphanies and life crisis when my insides are yelling - What the fuck are you doing with your life? I never wanted to be a businesswoman that sits in front of a computer all day making rich people more rich. There must be a bigger world out there. I want to help others, I want to test my capabilities and do everything I can to make a positive impact in people's lives. I want to save the World! 

Reality is life right now, but a sprinkle of positive optimism sure helps a lot getting through the day. So no matter how cynical society is or how immoral the World is becoming, it's best to have cute reminders with the image of Lily Aldrin, who is always supporting your dreams no matter how farfetched and impractical they are. 

 

I sincerely didn't want to crush anyone's dream, I just wanted him to see how beautiful life is now. I wanted to say - "don't forget your journey, don't overlook how awesome your life is." But as important it is to live for today, I'm reminded that it's okay to dream, you little dreamer, because that hope in you allows you to go on, and that's what really counts, that you are moving on and life goes on. 

**sorry, I didn't mention Barney Stinson, since I don't think Barney and I share any personality traits, but he's a funny guy, I admit.

To my readers <3, 

May you continue making wishes on a star. Good night, my dear. 

Let it be How it is Suppose to Be

There is this idea of self-improvement embedded in our consciousness. The desire of self-improvement may some times work out favorably, and other times life will decide to screw you over. But lets just stay positive -

"The universe is conspiring in your favor" 

"May the odds be ever in your favor" 

(feel free to insert other random relatable quotes...) <3. 

Most people think if I act this certain way - maybe that thing that I wanted last year will happen this year; maybe if I become a better person good karma will finally notice me.

Self-improvement is reinforcing positive self-motivation to find meaning in our daily lives, to welcome change, and to expose oneself to new opportunities. With that being said, I think making new year resolutions is an awesome way of reminding yourself that life is changing; you're never too old to dream big dreams.

Habitually, my resolutions become a list of 10 to 20 "things to do" and by the end of the year I realize I only completed 2/3 of my list (which is kinda incredible and sorta disappointing). This year, I'm determined not to make the same mistake, so I took the entire month of January to really reflect and think about what 2014 means to me.

2014 

Too many times have I closed myself off and become too self-absorbed. My boss actually called me cocky and I was really offended that day but then after some self-reflection I see how people can think that I'm cocky because I keep things to myself, because I don't depend on anyone, because I'm alone most of the time. I realize I became this way because I told myself, I don't ever want to feel hurt or vulnerable again, but the thing is - this leads to me to feel empty inside. So this year, I want to make the effort to have personal relationships with others, to trust myself, and to be a better friend.

Ever since I graduated, I've been cruising on in life not wanting to accept that I'm an adult now, I got bills to pay, I got a future to work for and all the additional stress adults go through. I've just been doing me; not really caring what other people think of me, foolishly acting on my desires, recklessly disregarding responsibilities, and thinking everything is going to be okay. So this year, I want to focus on developing my professional skills so I can be a top candidate for employers.

Even though I hate the idea of routine, I notice that I'm becoming a super dry and boring person -

Work - Gym - Sleep - Repeat (with the occasional weekend parties)

I don't ever want to be defined as a "super dry and boring person". Goodness gracious, I was voted as most creative girl in high school, how did I fall into this trap? So this year, I want to re-invite creativity and spontaneity in my life - I want to draw more, write more, travel more, sing more, spend more time outdoors, do more outfit of the days, pick up on other creative things I've always wanted to excel in - paint, design (currently thinking of designing a vanity!!!), learn how to change the oil in my car, compose my own songs, record an acoustic cover, and learn how to dance to a k-pop song. (Now you see how my new years resolution tend to become outrageously long).

There are so many things I want to do, but 2014, I'm just going to let all my wishes float in the sky, and have faith that God will make the wishes that I was destined for to shine brightly. In all honesty, I'll be thankful for anything I can accomplish this year.

To my readers <3,
Don't ever take life for granted that you are always making future plans. Remember that life happens now. I hope you are able to make your resolutions count every day.