Someone once told me I have a soft heart and that makes that person become a monster. It took me months to figure out what this meant, but when I first heard PVD's song, I Don't Deserve You, I realized that his song speaks about the kinda person that I am:
"Your arms are always open wide and you are quick to forgive. When I make a mistake, you love me in a blink of an eye..."I'm a very stubborn and passionate person that cares way too much. I tend to overexert myself and go out of my way just to make people happy. And when that person asked me: why do you always come back? my heart bled -- you're the only one; I can do anything for you. And even after all the crap we've been through, my feelings never changed.
I've come to realize that I'm the way I am because I feel underserving of love. It's my obsession of achievement and greed for status that makes me feel that I'm not good enough. I went through 3-4 years with a cloud of self hatred hovering over me. And now it just hits me hard that I need to love myself to love others; I need to feel content about my own life to be able to share it with another person.
Just recently, I had this contagious sense of happiness. This certain person makes me want to smile every second and even in our silence, I close my eyes and it feels like a dream I never want to wake up from. Though we've barely met and we've only hung out about 4 times, this certain person makes me want to break out of my shell and let my guard down because that sense of happiness feels so real. Because of that, I almost forgot that I'm undeserving. There's a thousand miles of obstacles between us LITERALLY and what's a futureless relationship worth? Maybe I should have learned my lesson in where I stand... but it inflames me that an ending has already been decided when we've barely taken a foot into unforbidden grounds. I've had these imaginary conversations with this certain person, and no matter how hard I try to reason things, I can't ignore my stubbornness to give it a try, to not surrender in a light of battle, to take this to the end!!!! But not knowing how this certain person feels makes my strong sense of justice tremble. I can't carry on if we're not on the same wavelength. My words are not convincing because it's all based on my stubbornness, but please be strong with me and trust me when I say --
everything is going to be ok.
To my readers <3,
PEACE xLOVExUNITYxRESPECT
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