Lost Myself

These last couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. It feels like I have one last stage to level up and I'm sprinting up a 180 degree mountain attacking strange beasts on the way. My mood has certainly been a "I don't really give a fuck today, I'm just going to do what I want". I've only recently reflected on my selfish behavior and considered the effects and repercussions of my rebellious actions. I've been a disappointment to my friends, to my family, and to myself. How many times am I going to mess up and you'll still be there for me? I keep blaming others for my misery, when it's ME who is purposely jumping off a cliff. It's ME who keeps holding back.

Everyone wishes to be loved, but in the event, nearly no one can bear it. Everyone desires love but also finds it impossible to believe that he deserves it. However great the private disasters to which love may lead, love itself is strikingly and mysteriously impersonal; it is a reality which is not altered by anything one does. Therefore, one does many things, turns the key in the lock over and over again, hoping to be locked out. Once locked out, one will never again be forced to encounter in the eyes of a stranger who loves him the impenetrable truth concerning the stranger, oneself, who is loved. And yet--one would prefer, after all, not to be locked out. One would prefer, merely, that the key unlocked a less stunningly unusual door. 


-James Baldwin


These words from Baldwin speaks to my heart... the world seems to be suffocating me and no matter how many people try to uncover my layers, the core of me is untouchable. I don't know if it's a self defense mechanism because I'm afraid if people get too close to me, they won't like me, they will hurt me, they will leave me... I'm too insecure, too introverted, too awkward, so maybe I don't deserve to have an equal. but at the same time I long for that feeling I often recall, that familiar feeling that makes me let my guard down because I feel so safe and happy in his arms.

So I wonder what am I doing, where do I belong...

I'm trying to prove to myself I can open up to others, I can overcome the heartache, I can start anew.... but it doesn't feel right to me. I don't get all giddy from a phone call or text, my heart is not jumping out of my chest, my insides are not twirling in joy and excitement... I dont feel what I know is love. Instead, I'm forcing myself to put on a smile, to look alluring, to pretend I'm interested. Truth is, I'm scared that it's someone else... I'm terrified that if I give it a chance, maybe I'll find what I was always searching for.



To my readers,
Be honest to yourself, only you know your heart <3